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Things Women Secretly Do, According to a Witch…

Things Women Secretly Do, According to a Witch…

I Finally Understand Women… Kind Of.

The following is based on actual encounters yet satirical.

Bedazzled and bewitched, I lay in a ditch. Dumped again, can’t even be friends… Thought I did everything right, then to my astonished sight: a woman in black silk appears, silhouetted by the moon, she nears…

I’m immediately drawn to her dark aura, her seductive, spicy scent.

“So,” she smiles wickedly. “A woman let you down. And you’re wondering what you did wrong…”

I sit up, her words ringing true. “I’m confused as hell…”

“Rise from the ditch and walk with me.”

“Who are you?”

“A guide from the Other Side. I’ve come with clues for you, to decipher this enigma known as Woman.”

I walk beside her. Leaving the road, she leads me down a trail along a stream glittering in the moonlight… I wonder if this is a dream.

“Women work in paradox.”

“Women are One,” she said, “united by the moon cycles which give rise to life. Yet at the same time, we compete more fiercely with each other than men can ever imagine. Whether for love or resources for our children, we will scratch, claw and crawl our way to the goal.”

“Where does that leave a clueless guy like me?”

She smiled, a gold tooth flashed. “Want a woman to like you? Get another to like you first, then show her off to the one you really want.”

“That sounds wicked.”

She laughed maniacally. “You have your first clue … no longer clueless.”

Suddenly a bright light flashed above us and a gentle voice spoke. “You called?

The witch looked up. “Nobody called you!”

“I’m not letting you pollute Man with your tactics, which pollute the women they’re with.”

I squinted up at the sparkling light. “Who are you?”

“The Good One… And listen, dear, you can take her advice but in a different way: just make friends with the woman’s friend. But if you use a woman with romance, in the fire you’ll dance.”

“Know flirting from feminine wiles.”

“Women use every available tool in the shed, just like Man,” the Wicked One said. “But her tools are attached to her body. She’ll bat the eyes, smack the lips, and make herself hard to please. The guy will try to resist, sensing his loss of power. But with a final flip of her hair, he caves.”

“Yeah,” I nodded knowingly.

“Stop falling for it. Be even harder to get than her… Flip the tables. You’ll skyrocket up the food-chain in her eyes. But stay sweet, just detached. That’s one of our secrets… You’re welcome.”

“But what if she actually likes me? And that’s why she’s acting like that?”

“Exactly,” said the voice from the light.

“You’re still here?” the Wicked One face-palmed.

“Here’s how to tell,” the light said. “Who’s getting the most out of the deal? If the woman is, enjoy her show and let her go. You may even give her what she wants. But, if she’s playing her charms with nothing to gain except you, well, there you go.”

“Women know how to zero in on their best traits and accentuate them.”

“You dudes are so clueless to this,” the witch spoke before kneeling to drink straight from the stream. She sipped in the cool waters, her curvaceous form arched alluringly. Then she leapt to her feet. Her full lips shimmering from the fresh water.

“We all have certain traits that are highly desirable to others. Ask any woman what yours are, then play off them. Women have been doing this since forever.”

The light above made a scoffing noise. “Yeah, turn men into divas, perfect.”

“Women dress up more for other women than for men.”

“Don’t get jealous when suddenly your woman frantically applies make-up after you decide to take her out. She’s not trying to meet another guy, she’s doing it for the other women who will check her out.”

“Finally, some sound advice,” the light said.

“I’m not done,” the witch glared at the light before looking back at me. “Here’s what you do: tell her you’re going out every night. That’ll keep her looking hot for you.”

I heard a slapping noise as if the light was face-palming. “Ridiculous.”

“Okay, let’s cut the charade,” the Wicked One spoke to the light intensely.

The witch reached up to the light, and cradled it in her palm. Then, slowly, she lowered the light and pushed it into her chest. With that, her body took on a new glow. Her wicked smile faded to a mischievous glint in her eye. In the other eye, compassion.

She spoke softly, yet strongly. “I am woman, you will never figure me out. But you can figure yourself out, and that’s when you’ll find the right one. Discover your inner essence … live it, and all the magic meant to flow into your life will arrive effortlessly.”